You’ve had a lot of time to work on your idiosyncrasies, pay down your debt, sponsor a child in a developing country, and even endured therapy so you’re not as weird as you used to be. The bottom line is that you’ve got your life together (sort of), and you wouldn’t want just anyone taking on that spousal position without good cause. So where do people find their perfect match?
One popular dating website boasts that it matches marriage-seekers with partners through almost 30 levels of compatibility. At first, this matching system might seem robust, but why settle for a meager 30? Instead, why not make your goal 100 or even 1,000 levels of compatibility? Even 1,000 points of compatibility make for a small number when trying to find the “perfect” mate. If you’re waiting for another life, this is the only one, so not why go for the gusto?
Meet My Perfect Spouse: Teresa Universe
I’ve pondered who would be my perfect match, and my conclusion is that she would be a cross between Mother Teresa of Calcutta and the latest winner of the Ms. Universe Pageant. First, she would be Mother Teresa because she would be the most devoted and caring Christian woman. Her servant-hearted example and ever-compassionate spirit would be evident to everyone she meets. Then, if this saint could morph herself into Ms. Universe, my benevolent, sacrificial woman would also have the physical beauty of Aphrodite herself—a female god with a “hot bod.”
Part of me believes I’m entitled to Teresa Universe because I’ve waited such a long time to be married, being 38 years old. I’ve also led mission teams around the world, I’ve been counseled by same mentor for fourteen years (who is a marriage-and-family therapist), and I don’t kick the dog when I come home. With this attitude, I continue to paint my future spouse into a masterpiece and am convinced she’ll definitely be either a Picasso or Rembrandt.
I’m sure I’m not alone in this: Most of us have probably painted an image of our perfect spouse in our minds—what he/she looks like, what types of activities this individual likes, how many children the person wants, etc.—and we are certain that this perfect spouse will fulfill everything on our mental checklist.
Jesus Values Perfectionism Too
If you’re like me and seek perfection, you’re on the right path because God does this as well; in fact, he commands it. Jesus, during his famous Sermon on the Mount, gives this charge to the crowd: “Be perfect…as your heavenly Father is perfect” (Matthew 5:48). However, the Greek word for “perfect” here is “telioi,” and it means moral “maturity” or “wholeness1” as related to the character of Christ. Telioi is the same root word as used in James 1:4, which states, “Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.” As its author, God certainly values perfectionism, but it is in stark contrast to how Hollywood, popular culture, Christian culture, or I would define it.
There are three foundational truths we can take away from the command to “Be perfect…as your heavenly Father is perfect.”
Truth #1: First, being perfect from a Biblical perspective concerns moral maturity and character development. This idea is closely related to a passage in Ephesians that mentions “put[ting] on the new self,” and another word from Galatians 5:22 that discusses having the “fruit of the spirit.”
Truth #2: Second, we learn from this verse that the challenge is to us, not to someone else. It is much easier to pull the splinter out of someone else’s eye when the plank is first removed from ours.
Truth #3: Third, since God values being perfect as “wholeness” and “moral maturity,” it should be one of our main criteria for finding a spouse as well. If we’re not allowing God to paint His picture on our canvas for the perfect spouse, then our own selfish wants and desires will inevitably control the brushstrokes instead.
What Do I Do Now?
From a position of assuredness in Christ, we should pursue character development daily. This is accomplished with grace-filled effort as we consistently trade our ideas of perfection with God in exchange for His. Practically speaking, Psalm 139 is perfect for us to pray: “search me” and “see if there is any offensive way in me.” Then, as God reveals things to us, we need to repent and ask him to change our hearts—we certainly cannot change our hearts alone. (In fact, it’s not even close.) And remember that repentance is always a gift and a privilege from God.
As you take the pressure off yourself and exchange misguided ideas of perfectionism with God’s definition, it will free other people in your life from having to meet your unrealistic expectations as well. But if you choose to keep “cutting and pasting” others’ personal attributes to create your own version of Teresa Universe, you’ll continue to be frustrated. Why? For one, your search will be endless because that theoretical person will not exist outside of your mind. Moreover, we are all fallen people who will marry someone just as insecure, needy, and as unfinished as we are, who needs Christ in their life just as much as we do.
Speaking to ladies in particular, you’re certainly not off the hook either. If your idea of the perfect man would be sewing together the face of Brad Pitt, with the allure of George Clooney, the faith of Billy Graham, and the adventurous spirit of John Eldredge, you won’t get the perfect husband. Instead, you’ll get Frankenstein. Please don’t marry Frankenstein. He ravaged German villages, and people were scared of him.
The point is that true perfection, as defined by God, has the goal of moral maturity and character development as defined by Christ’s life. It will take more than a lifetime to attain it, but if you start by falling in love with the process of being like Christ and find someone else who values this as well, you will be on a solid foundation to begin a serious relationship.
1) Blomberg, C. (1992). Vol. 22: Matthew. The New American Commentary (115). Nashville: Broadman & Holman Publishers.
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